How do you balance the reality of needing money to live and finding the time to live the exact life you’d like? I don’t know, but for me, pursuing these challenges gives me a little window into what that kind of life might look like for me.

I was now well past my second goal, about halfway through, around 1 or 2 a.m. Alone in the pitch-black woods, in an entirely unfamiliar environment, my mind was starting to go a little sideways.

When I first took my tentative steps into triathlons, I never imagined it would eventually lead me to an Ironman. Yet, here I was, with the once-elusive dream about to become a reality.

Since the Barcelona triathlon is a large event, participants were grouped into waves based on the predicted finish times we entered during registration. I wasn’t in the first wave, so I watched as a few groups took off ahead of me. I noticed some people already turning back toward the beach, which made my anxiety grow. Soon enough, it was my turn. I lined up on the beach, made my peace with God, and hesitantly tiptoed into the water.

At this point in my life, I hadn’t yet rid myself of panic attacks. Though they had become less frequent, I now found myself in the middle of one—an ideal scenario, considering I was partially drowning.

By 21, I began experiencing heart palpitations and panic attacks, which, to someone as uneducated as I was, felt like I was having a heart attack. This triggered a complete mental meltdown. The panic attacks became a daily occurrence, and soon, even the escape of sleep was ruined as I started having them at night as well. I won’t go into the details, but to put it simply, I was in a terrible place.